What Am I

I am a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I am lazy, yet I am ambitious. I don't like myself but I also love who I am. I say I don't care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes in my way. I am a conflicted contradiction. If I can't figure myself out, there is no way anyone else has.

When I say 'I miss you', I really do mean it. I am not the type of person to only say those three words when I need something from you. If I tell you that I miss you, it means that you mean a lot to me. Not only does it mean that you have positively impacted my life, but also means that I want you to stay. I know people come and go, that's life, but I am going to be honest, I want you to stay in my life.

What my problem is? I get attached fast. And once I get attached to someone I do everything to please them and make them happy. It is never about what I want; it is always everybody's needs before my own. I give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do no deserve them. They take advantage of me, and I push them away. And even if they screw me over, I will still be there for them, because that is me, that who I am. Once I get attached to someone, they capture my heart and they always have a place there. That is so hard for me to just let it go.

I don't think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds.

What I don't get about life? I don't get it how someone can erase you from their memory. How someone can just delete your existence. How someone can just walk pass by and you pretend nothing happened between you two. How someone can completely forget about all the memories you have made together. How someone can get over you so quickly. How someone can just lie to your face. How someone can change your entire mood in a second. How someone can walk away like you meant nothing.

What am I afraid of? I am afraid of being happy because in just a few seconds I can lose everything and everyone in my life. Being happy is just a feeling that you have in a certain moment but what happens to the happiness when it goes away? What happens inside me? Yesterday I had everything, today I have nothing. I feel completely lost.

- TheRealMe -